My Hero

Krzysztof is my hero. He has a charmingly inept way with words. The power to halt a conversation dead in its tracks is an ability I've been honing for the past 15 years, and it's something I've become rather good at, if I do say so myself.



SETTING: My cubicle
TIME: Friday, November 17th; 2:47 PM

DENISE (a mid-level manager): Hi George! This is Mark. He served in Afghanistan with the troops that our packages went to.

I stand up from my desk to face Mark. We shake hands.

MARK: Hello. Nice to meet you.
ME: (quickly) Hello. Nice to meet you.

Long, expectant pause. I attempt a smile but it looks like a grimace.

DENISE: Umm, George is really technical and a whiz with computers. Whenever there's a problem we go to him first.

I give a feeble smile in acknowledgement. Denise shifts her weight.

Another long, awkward pause.

Denise starts walking away.

DENISE: OK! Well, over here is my office...
MARK: It was nice meeting you...

Mark walks away.

ME: Yeah. Me too.

I sit back down.




SETTING: Shared cubicle space with Claire
TIME: Thursday, November 23rd; 3:57 PM

Winston, a senior executive, walks by our office space.

CLAIRE: Hey Winston. I saw you at Indigo during lunch.

Winston stops.

WINSTON: [joking tone] You didn't say hi?
CLAIRE: [smiles] You looked preoccupied. I didn't want to bother you.
WINSTON: I've been daydreaming all day. It would have pulled me out. [pause] Did you get something?
CLAIRE: I usually don't buy books from Indigo. I'll browse and then buy from BMV or a used bookstore.
WINSTON: Yeah, I seldom go to Indigo. Usually I order from Barnes & Nobles or Amazon, 4 or 5 at once. It costs the same and it's less trouble. Do you read a lot?
CLAIRE: I try to. How about you?
WINSTON: Yeah, I'm a big reader. We have T.V.s all over our house, but I hardly watch any. My brothers and sisters are the same way. I guess it's the way our father brought us up. He had shelves and shelves of books. [matter-of-factly] I read four papers a day.

ME: [enthusiastic] Hey, that's good!

Silence fills the air.

WINSTON:... Yeah.

Winston walks away.

Half an hour later, Winston's resignation was announced to our floor.

Soon I'll be able to make people physically ill with my powers of Awkwardness.

George "Just-Call-Me-Brick" Tamland

Hundred Beast King GoLion

I love Voltron. He fights for great justice, carries a big sword, and doesn't talk much. He has all of Teddy Roosevelt's best qualities, the greatest American president of all time, but without the baggage of Manifest Destiny or conservationism. Voltron equals AWESOME.

As a kid, I watched the show after school whenever I got the chance, which wasn't very often. My babysitter and nemesis, a cruel hag whom we shall call Gina, was obsessed with watching her nefarious soap operas, and Voltron was on during the same time slot as Y&R. I hate Y&R A LOT...

Nevertheless, when I watched Voltron it was pure bliss. I would really get into the show, and I would scream at the television, "Form VOLTRON NOW!" Sadly, Voltron didn't obey my desperate pleas, and I had to repeatedly watch the Lions get their asses handed to them before they would remember that Voltron even existed. Keith was such a lame leader...

Despite my fanaticism for Voltron, I only had one lion: the yellow one. Play time consisted of running around with the Lion and, when things got tough, forming a massive leg that was totally ineffectual and clumsy. Battles generally ended in defeat because the lone leg was unstable and would fall over without support. When my "friends" came over they would ridicule my incomplete Voltron, and I remember many nights when I cried myself to sleep. I can still feel those hot bitter tears on my cheeks.

Voltron, wherever you are, know this: You were a source of much childhood joy and agony! I salute you!


Caution: This is not your parents' Voltron!


Voltron is a SELL OUT!