My Secret

One time, right before he perished, my sixth uncle told me, "With great power, comes great responsibility." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of those words, that my uncle wasn't simply pulling my leg, and I finally "got it" in an epiphany this past Wednesday night.

Not too many people know this, but when I was five years old, the family doctor diagnosed me with a rare form of autism. Recognizing that my days were numbered, my mom placed me in a reed basket and set me afloat on the shore of Lake Ontario, trusting that the wind and the currents would carry me off to a fabled fisherman and his wife who could cure my autism. However, due to being an obese five year old, the basket was crushed under my weight and the plan had to be scrapped.

All my life I've struggled under the secret burden of my autism. Every day I have to deal with ruined conversations, awkward pauses, and sudden slappings from irate women. Autism has left its toll on my ravaged body. On Wednesday, everything changed.

Xtreme

I like skating, I think some of these tricks look neat, but Xtreme is a really retarded adjective. Call it figure skating on hockey skates, cause that's what this is. When I hear the word Xtreme used to describe a sport, I think of the following:

Body Break!

Every so often I get the foolish notion in my head to get fit. And I ALWAYS fail miserably. Here is my history of quitting from start to finish:

X-Country Running
X-Country Skiing
Downhill Skiing
Soccer
Tennis
Karate
Horseback Riding
Wrestling
Archery
Boxing
Weight-lifting
Tae-Kwon Do
Chess (it's considered a sport)
Squash (Um, I might take it up again...)

I've probably forgotten an athletic endeavour or two, but these are definitely the highlights and are representative of my quitting inclinations.

Today I signed up for fitness training in my building. Henceforward, twice a week I will train with four of my officemates under the supervision of a certified fitness trainer. This afternoon, I met with head trainer Justin; a 30-ish man who wears his baseball cap backwards. When I arrived, he greeted me with a fist bump instead of a handshake. As I was 15 minutes early, I had the opportunity to watch four women who were wrapping up their training session. I sized them up quickly, and judged myself capable of taking three of them down, easy. The last one looked like a scrapper.

After the class wrapped up, I sat down with Justin to discuss my fitness goals. I explained that I wanted to work on my athleticism, with a focus on the following areas:

1) Agility
2) Endurance
3) eXplosive Power

I could tell he was impressed, because after I mentioned eXplosive power (making sure to emphasize the X), he broke into a big grin (yes, I'm hip to that fitness lingo).

Other athletic endeavours I'm currently involved in:
Ice skating - I would like to get good enough to play some hockey.
CN Tower Stair Climb - It's for the World Wildlife Fund. Please sponsor me and I promise to be your friend. This week I climbed the Simpson Tower (32 floors) twice to practice for the eventual climb (it's in two months).

Jazz Hands!

This video is the reason that Youtube was invented:

Those Wacky Japonee

Turbo Boost!

Today I played hooky and called in sick. Last night, I felt angry and indignant at the cold weather, and I suspect this was a subconscious factor in my decision to stay home. To avoid completely wasting the day away, I woke up at noon and decided to pick up a package from the local post office, which is a 45 minute walk away from the house and a 5 minute drive. I settled on driving, which was a mistake for two reasons:

a) I have no insurance;
b) The car battery hasn't been keeping a charge.

To get the car started, I had to hook up the booster cables to the generator in the garage: No problem. Getting to the post office: No problem. Getting the package: No problem. Restarting the car: Problem. Finding somebody willing to help: PROBLEM.

"Uh, hello."
Person quickens pace.
"I was wondering if you had a couple of minutes to help me out."

In the post-game analysis, this was probably the crucial error. In Toronto, "Hello" already puts people on their guard. Following up with, "I was wondering if you had a couple of minutes..." sets alarm bells ringing, as this phrase, uttered in a parking lot, tends to be most associated with rabid evangelicals and Amway shills. "RUN AWAY!" I certainly would.

"My car battery is dead and I was wondering if you could help me with a boost."

In my selection of candidates, I chose people getting into their cars in my near vicinity. So I didn't discriminate in my selection, but I noticed I was predicting outcomes based on stereotypes. All of the candidates happened to be male. For a fun time, and to determine whether you're a racist like me, try matching the answer to the ethnicity:

a) "Sorry, I can't help you. My starter is having problems. If I boosted your car... Sorry."
b) "Sorry. I'm in a rush. I have to get my daughter to school."
c) Ignores me like I don't exist when I ask if he has a couple of minutes. Once it becomes clear that I'm asking for a car boost, utters something indecipherable and rude.
d) "I don't trouble myself with those things." (I like this one. It's like the fortune cookie of refusals)
e) "Sure, no problem."

Ethnicities (in no particular order):
Black
Filipino
Chinese
Indian
Sri Lankan

The person who responds with the most correct answers will receive a prize.