Horrible Vermin

I read The Metamorphosis this week. Kafka is the shit. Read it if you haven't already.

But Grampa! I asked for a Nintendo Wii!

This was far more work than I imagined. Those pioneer brats were totally spoiled.

The Cover-up

Colouring inside the lines

Truman Capote (from Henri Cartier Bresson):
Marker on hot press - 15" x 20"



Cowfish (from David Doubilet):
Gouache on hot press - 15" x 20"

Why pandas have thumbs.

Yeah, there are all of three people that read this blog, but if you're interested in sponsoring my participation in the CN Tower Climb for WWF Canada (April 17th), please visit my fundraising page.





And if you're not interested, you can still check out the training diary and follow my progress.

UPDATE!
I did squats today and felt nauseous.

I just wish you could feel my pain...

A cold and deserted city

If one were to analyze these photos, one might imagine that their photographer is a misanthrope who does not like people. And one would be correct.

More Fruit

I am officially tired of fruit. This assignment required the creation of a still-life using vector graphics. The first photo is the reference image I used, and the second is the illustration I created using various tools in Illustrator (i.e. gradient meshes, transparent layers, gaussian blurring, etc). There's more that I would have liked to have added (texture in the lime, the surface of the strawberry), but sometimes you have to say, "NO MORE".

Verboten Fruit

Created this stationary for a fictitious cosmetics company. The logo concept I came up with was to put a woman's face in an apple, and to have her hair also double as the bite out of the apple. Not all that unsuccessful because nobody sees it until I mention it. The other concept I came up with was to make the business card look like an apple hanging from a tree. Not so obvious either. I guess I need to work on that. There are a number of other areas that the design could be improved on, but I was already into the grace period for this assignment.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Advices?

Just for the record, Franco is a child. Arnold is the father.

Even Monsters Get The Blues

What keeps monsters awake at night? Baby Hitlers on the prowl, if this drawing is any indication. Also, the pain of having clumsy hands which defy good anatomical taste, and a lack of legs.

This assignment was for Foundation Colour. It was done in gouache, and the assignment stipulated that we had to make use of all the primary, secondary and tertiary colours (hence the garish colour choices). We were required to derive all the secondary and tertiary colours using only the primary ones - hence the terrible red violet comforter.

The Peek-a-Boo Girl

Drawings of Veronica Lake for George Brown Art & Design Foundation. The assignment was to produce two line drawings of the same subject, using a detailed approach for the first drawing and an economical approach for the second.

You could put all the talent I had into your left eye and still not suffer from impaired vision. - Veronica Lake

I will have one of the cleanest obits of any actress. I never did cheesecake like Ann Sheridan or Betty Grable. I just used my hair." - Veronica Lake

Grocery Line Etiquette

In the grocery line today, I was waiting behind an older lady who didn't have her Airmiles card with her but wanted to collect her points. Sounding tentative and uncertain, she recited her Airmiles card number several times but the system didn't accept it until the 4th or 5th try. Other customers, seeing that an old lady was at the head of the queue, abandoned the line and moved to other cashiers. At any rate, I wasn't bothered by the wait; my attention was more focussed on Heather Graham's abs on Shape magazine's cover than Old Lady's puttering. Eventually I had a peripheral sense that her transaction was nearing completion so I moved up to the cashier. But Old Lady was entering her PIN and she perceived my imposing presence as a threat. Eyeing me suspiciously, she shielded the keypad with her entire body, hunched over Gollum-like. She gave me several furtive glances and eventually I felt compelled to reassure her:

"I'm NOT looking at your PIN!"
"Well, you're standing awfully close!"

I think she must have been genuinely afraid that I was going to mug her in the parking lot, because she took off in such a hurry. When I got home, I discovered an extra bag of groceries amongst mine. It was a bag of boneless chicken thighs and ribs that Old Lady had left behind in her haste to escape, possibly as an offering of appeasement, ravenous Roid Freak that I am.

Montage Madness

I love montages.
I love the 80's.
I love 80's montages.

Addendum:
I spent this past weekend watching 80's movies, 80's montages, and putting together a Pump-Up list for my exercise classes. Inspired by Team America's montage song, I've assembled the following playlist of montage music (all from the 80's with the exception of Montage).

Ultimate 80's Montage Megacheese
1) Montage - Team America: World Police
2) Danger Zone - Top Gun
3) The Touch - Transformers: The Movie
4) Gonna Fly Now - Rocky
5) Hearts on Fire - Rocky IV - DRAGOOOOOOOOOH!!!!
6) You're The Best - The Karate Kid
7) Winner Takes It All - Over The Top
8) Fight To Survive - Bloodsport
9) Maniac - Flashdance
10) I Need A Hero - Footloose
11) Eye of the Tiger - Rocky III
12) Push it to the Limit - Scarface

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

How Real Men Fight!

I've been researching different fighting techniques. I had my heart set on learning sambo, but there's only one school in Toronto and it's in the west end. I might try kickboxing at Toronto Kickboxing Muay Thai Academy, as it's a really strenuous sport, and should help me rediscover what it's like to vomit. I failed to vomit during this week's workouts and I'm disappointed, nay, crestfallen about that. Right now I'm considering demanding a refund. At this very second...

Brick Tamland: I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.

Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

The Golden Mean

The researchers at faceresearch.org have arrived at the conclusion that average is beautiful. The face at left was created by averaging the features of 15 attractive female faces (as judged by the participants in a research study), and it was judged more attractive than any of the 15.

All well and good, but what I really want to know is if anybody can create an uglier average than my creation below? As you'll discover, creating a pretty face is easy, but achieving ugliness is quite challenging. There's a lesson to be learned here. Think about it.




ADDED:




As it actually turns out, although averaged composites are generally more attractive than the individuals they are comprised from, averageness and attractiveness are not equivalent. Perret et al performed an experiment where a composite was created from photos of 60 women (the first image), and a second composite was assembled from a subset of the 15 women that were judged the most attractive within those 60 (the second image). Participants in the study consistently ranked the second image more attractive than the first. Taking the exercise a step further, Perrett et al exaggerated the differences between the attractive composite and the normal composite to create a third image, which participants ranked most attractive of all (termed hyper-attractive). However, as the hyper-attractive image is the least average of the faces, it follows that averageness and attractiveness are not equivalent.

Faceresearch.org contains a number of facinating articles that are well worth reading (e.g. how feminine features can enhance the attractiveness of the male face, how gaze direction affects attractiveness, etc). You can log in with a guest account by clicking on Register, continuing through the consent screen, and selecting log in as guest.

Every office has a guy like this, unfortunately

There is a tub of Gummybears on Oscar's ledge. Dwight walks into the scene, pulls the lid off of the container, and places several Gummybears in his mouth. While chewing the Gummybears, Dwight notices a sign taped to the ledge.

Cut to close-up shot of the sign. It reads: Support me in the CN Tower Climb for WWF Canada.

Dwight: QUESTION. Will you provide a receipt for donations?
Oscar: Tax deductible receipts are provided for donations of $20 or greater.
Dwight: QUESTION. What is the WWF?
Oscar: World Wrestling Federation. Your donations will help feed malnourished wrestlers like Trish Stratus and The Undertaker...
Oscar: It's the World Wildlife Fund.
Dwight: The sign says WWF Canada.
Oscar: ...
Dwight: QUESTION. What is the Canada portion?
Oscar: Well, the World Wildlife Fund is a global organization, and WWF Canada is the Canadian branch. It deals with regional concerns.
Dwight: UNSATISFACTORY. If you can give me more information I might be convinced to donate.
Oscar: ...

Dwight crams more Gummybears into his mouth and walks off.

Feed a Falcon!

On April 28th, I will be regurgitate. But before doing so, I will be participating in a CN Tower climb in support of the World Wildlife Fund. My regurgitation and your donations will go towards feeding fledgling falcons. If you'd like to pledge your support, please visit my fundraising webpage.

I heart long johns

I love wearing long johns when it's really cold. I love standing on exposed train platforms when everybody else is miserable and I'm not. It's like, not only have I triumphed over Mother Nature, I've triumphed over my fellow human beings. Long johned humans are the next stage of evolution.

In The Still of the Night

That last post sucked. Oh well. Rather than continue it, I'll simply relate the anecdote I was building towards.

One night, after getting home from a weekend of hanging out with some friends, I noticed a black BMW parked in front of my house, engine idling and headlights on. A light dusting of snow was on my driveway, so I did some shovelling and, without being too obtrusive, I gave several sidelong glances toward the BMW in an attempt to figure out who was parked in front of my house and why they were there. It was dark, so I couldn't resolve the details, but a rhythmic motion was definitely present in the front seat and I quickly arrived at a theory as to the BMW's occupants' purpose. After ten minutes of shovelling, and while loudly chipping away at some ice on my driveway, the BMW kicked into drive and sped into the night. I figured that was it; a couple of strangers in a BMW, on what had seemed to be an abandoned street, had given themselves to a moment of passion but had come to the sudden realization that they were no longer alone.

A couple of nights later, I arrived home from work around the same time (8-ish) and once again spotted the BMW parked out front of my house, engine idling, headlights on. Whatever. People making out, I'm tired, I'm gonna go watch season two of The Office.

Over the next week, the car reappeared intermittently and gradually I found myself getting more and more annoyed. Who are these people? How dare they park in my territory! I must be rid of them! But how?!

Various Ideas:
1) The city has a new by-law against idling. Yes, I'll call the cops and tell them about the idlers in front of my house! Bah! That's something an 80 year old man would do and it's a waste of tax payers money.
2) Perhaps I can dump a large pile of snow in their parking spot? Ingenious! Except it'll get cleared away tomorrow.
3) I'll get a laser pointer and be a nuisance. Paydirt! I'll shine it on them and they'll feel self-conscious. But what if one of them gets a damaged retina? I'd never forgive myself.

I mentioned my problem to a few of my co-workers, and they offered the following suggestions:
1) Throw snow on the car's windshield;
2) Dump a bucket of chum on the car.

Number two sounded good, but I don't have the necessary discipline to go out and buy fish remnants, let alone ferment them.

Several days went by and the car failed to reappear. Two, three, then four days had elapsed and I started to feel comfortable that the problem was resolved. But on the fifth day, as I rounded the bend and approached my house on foot, I noticed my old friend, the BMW, parked in front of my house again. Snow was on the ground and I angrily decided to clear it. The scraping of my shovel on pavement and the BMW's idling engine were the only sounds in the night. Frequently, I stopped in the middle of my shovelling to issue a withering gaze at the car, willing it to move, but my Jedi mindtricks proved useless. "How terribly awkward this situation is," I thought to myself.

Then it hit me. What do I do better than anything else? I transform normal situations into awkward ones. So what would happen if I took an awkward situation and applied my "gift" to it? Right then and there I resolved to find out. Shovel in hand, I walked towards the BMW with a sense of purpose. As I got closer, I noticed its occupants were in the backseat, clearly engrossed in one other. Patiently and awkwardly, I stood next to the rear passenger window and directed my gaze down the street. 30 seconds elapsed and out of my peripheral vision I noticed that the movement in the car had ceased. For whatever reason, I had become more interesting to them than they were to each other. Turning towards them, I smiled and waved. With a look of confusion, the young man waved back; his girlfriend did not. For ten full seconds we stared at each other through the car window. Finally, the young man lowered the window and I spoke first:

"I've, uh, noticed that you've been parked here several nights."
"Yeah. Sorry. It won't happen again. Is that okay for you?"
"Yes. Thank you."

I walked back inside, my shovelling completed.