I like falcons

Horrible Vermin

2008-08-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

I read The Metamorphosis this week. Kafka is the shit. Read it if you haven't already.

But Grampa! I asked for a Nintendo Wii!

2008-07-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

This was far more work than I imagined. Those pioneer brats were totally spoiled.

The Cover-up

2008-06-12T23:58:00.001-07:00

Colouring inside the lines

2008-04-16T15:13:00.001-07:00

Truman Capote (from Henri Cartier Bresson):
Marker on hot press - 15" x 20"

Cowfish (from David Doubilet):
Gouache on hot press - 15" x 20"

Why pandas have thumbs.

2008-04-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, there are all of three people that read this blog, but if you're interested in sponsoring my participation in the CN Tower Climb for WWF Canada (April 17th), please visit my fundraising page.

And if you're not interested, you can still check out the training diary and follow my progress.

UPDATE!
I did squats today and felt nauseous.

I just wish you could feel my pain...

2008-03-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

A cold and deserted city

2008-03-20T18:08:00.001-07:00

If one were to analyze these photos, one might imagine that their photographer is a misanthrope who does not like people. And one would be correct.

More Fruit

2008-03-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am officially tired of fruit. This assignment required the creation of a still-life using vector graphics. The first photo is the reference image I used, and the second is the illustration I created using various tools in Illustrator (i.e. gradient meshes, transparent layers, gaussian blurring, etc). There's more that I would have liked to have added (texture in the lime, the surface of the strawberry), but sometimes you have to say, "NO MORE".

Verboten Fruit

2008-02-24T22:34:00.001-08:00

Created this stationary for a fictitious cosmetics company. The logo concept I came up with was to put a woman's face in an apple, and to have her hair also double as the bite out of the apple. Not all that unsuccessful because nobody sees it until I mention it. The other concept I came up with was to make the business card look like an apple hanging from a tree. Not so obvious either. I guess I need to work on that. There are a number of other areas that the design could be improved on, but I was already into the grace period for this assignment.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Advices?

Just for the record, Franco is a child. Arnold is the father.

Even Monsters Get The Blues

2008-02-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

What keeps monsters awake at night? Baby Hitlers on the prowl, if this drawing is any indication. Also, the pain of having clumsy hands which defy good anatomical taste, and a lack of legs.

This assignment was for Foundation Colour. It was done in gouache, and the assignment stipulated that we had to make use of all the primary, secondary and tertiary colours (hence the garish colour choices). We were required to derive all the secondary and tertiary colours using only the primary ones - hence the terrible red violet comforter.

The Peek-a-Boo Girl

2008-01-31T22:03:00.001-08:00

Drawings of Veronica Lake for George Brown Art & Design Foundation. The assignment was to produce two line drawings of the same subject, using a detailed approach for the first drawing and an economical approach for the second.

You could put all the talent I had into your left eye and still not suffer from impaired vision. - Veronica Lake

I will have one of the cleanest obits of any actress. I never did cheesecake like Ann Sheridan or Betty Grable. I just used my hair." - Veronica Lake

Grocery Line Etiquette

2007-11-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

In the grocery line today, I was waiting behind an older lady who didn't have her Airmiles card with her but wanted to collect her points. Sounding tentative and uncertain, she recited her Airmiles card number several times but the system didn't accept it until the 4th or 5th try. Other customers, seeing that an old lady was at the head of the queue, abandoned the line and moved to other cashiers. At any rate, I wasn't bothered by the wait; my attention was more focussed on Heather Graham's abs on Shape magazine's cover than Old Lady's puttering. Eventually I had a peripheral sense that her transaction was nearing completion so I moved up to the cashier. But Old Lady was entering her PIN and she perceived my imposing presence as a threat. Eyeing me suspiciously, she shielded the keypad with her entire body, hunched over Gollum-like. She gave me several furtive glances and eventually I felt compelled to reassure her:

"I'm NOT looking at your PIN!"
"Well, you're standing awfully close!"

I think she must have been genuinely afraid that I was going to mug her in the parking lot, because she took off in such a hurry. When I got home, I discovered an extra bag of groceries amongst mine. It was a bag of boneless chicken thighs and ribs that Old Lady had left behind in her haste to escape, possibly as an offering of appeasement, ravenous Roid Freak that I am.

Montage Madness

2007-04-01T09:53:00.001-07:00

I love montages.
I love the 80's.
I love 80's montages.

Addendum:
I spent this past weekend watching 80's movies, 80's montages, and putting together a Pump-Up list for my exercise classes. Inspired by Team America's montage song, I've assembled the following playlist of montage music (all from the 80's with the exception of Montage).

Ultimate 80's Montage Megacheese
1) Montage - Team America: World Police
2) Danger Zone - Top Gun
3) The Touch - Transformers: The Movie
4) Gonna Fly Now - Rocky
5) Hearts on Fire - Rocky IV - DRAGOOOOOOOOOH!!!!
6) You're The Best - The Karate Kid
7) Winner Takes It All - Over The Top
8) Fight To Survive - Bloodsport
9) Maniac - Flashdance
10) I Need A Hero - Footloose
11) Eye of the Tiger - Rocky III
12) Push it to the Limit - Scarface

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

How Real Men Fight!

2007-03-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

I've been researching different fighting techniques. I had my heart set on learning sambo, but there's only one school in Toronto and it's in the west end. I might try kickboxing at Toronto Kickboxing Muay Thai Academy, as it's a really strenuous sport, and should help me rediscover what it's like to vomit. I failed to vomit during this week's workouts and I'm disappointed, nay, crestfallen about that. Right now I'm considering demanding a refund. At this very second...

2007-03-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

Brick Tamland: I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.

Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

The Golden Mean

2007-03-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

The researchers at faceresearch.org have arrived at the conclusion that average is beautiful. The face at left was created by averaging the features of 15 attractive female faces (as judged by the participants in a research study), and it was judged more attractive than any of the 15.

All well and good, but what I really want to know is if anybody can create an uglier average than my creation below? As you'll discover, creating a pretty face is easy, but achieving ugliness is quite challenging. There's a lesson to be learned here. Think about it.

ADDED:

As it actually turns out, although averaged composites are generally more attractive than the individuals they are comprised from, averageness and attractiveness are not equivalent. Perret et al performed an experiment where a composite was created from photos of 60 women (the first image), and a second composite was assembled from a subset of the 15 women that were judged the most attractive within those 60 (the second image). Participants in the study consistently ranked the second image more attractive than the first. Taking the exercise a step further, Perrett et al exaggerated the differences between the attractive composite and the normal composite to create a third image, which participants ranked most attractive of all (termed hyper-attractive). However, as the hyper-attractive image is the least average of the faces, it follows that averageness and attractiveness are not equivalent.

Faceresearch.org contains a number of facinating articles that are well worth reading (e.g. how feminine features can enhance the attractiveness of the male face, how gaze direction affects attractiveness, etc). You can log in with a guest account by clicking on Register, continuing through the consent screen, and selecting log in as guest.

Every office has a guy like this, unfortunately

2007-03-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

There is a tub of Gummybears on Oscar's ledge. Dwight walks into the scene, pulls the lid off of the container, and places several Gummybears in his mouth. While chewing the Gummybears, Dwight notices a sign taped to the ledge.

Cut to close-up shot of the sign. It reads: Support me in the CN Tower Climb for WWF Canada.

Dwight: QUESTION. Will you provide a receipt for donations?
Oscar: Tax deductible receipts are provided for donations of $20 or greater.
Dwight: QUESTION. What is the WWF?
Oscar: World Wrestling Federation. Your donations will help feed malnourished wrestlers like Trish Stratus and The Undertaker...
Oscar: It's the World Wildlife Fund.
Dwight: The sign says WWF Canada.
Oscar: ...
Dwight: QUESTION. What is the Canada portion?
Oscar: Well, the World Wildlife Fund is a global organization, and WWF Canada is the Canadian branch. It deals with regional concerns.
Dwight: UNSATISFACTORY. If you can give me more information I might be convinced to donate.
Oscar: ...

Dwight crams more Gummybears into his mouth and walks off.

Feed a Falcon!

2007-03-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

On April 28th, I will be regurgitate. But before doing so, I will be participating in a CN Tower climb in support of the World Wildlife Fund. My regurgitation and your donations will go towards feeding fledgling falcons. If you'd like to pledge your support, please visit my fundraising webpage.

I heart long johns

2007-03-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

I love wearing long johns when it's really cold. I love standing on exposed train platforms when everybody else is miserable and I'm not. It's like, not only have I triumphed over Mother Nature, I've triumphed over my fellow human beings. Long johned humans are the next stage of evolution.

In The Still of the Night

2007-03-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

That last post sucked. Oh well. Rather than continue it, I'll simply relate the anecdote I was building towards.

One night, after getting home from a weekend of hanging out with some friends, I noticed a black BMW parked in front of my house, engine idling and headlights on. A light dusting of snow was on my driveway, so I did some shovelling and, without being too obtrusive, I gave several sidelong glances toward the BMW in an attempt to figure out who was parked in front of my house and why they were there. It was dark, so I couldn't resolve the details, but a rhythmic motion was definitely present in the front seat and I quickly arrived at a theory as to the BMW's occupants' purpose. After ten minutes of shovelling, and while loudly chipping away at some ice on my driveway, the BMW kicked into drive and sped into the night. I figured that was it; a couple of strangers in a BMW, on what had seemed to be an abandoned street, had given themselves to a moment of passion but had come to the sudden realization that they were no longer alone.

A couple of nights later, I arrived home from work around the same time (8-ish) and once again spotted the BMW parked out front of my house, engine idling, headlights on. Whatever. People making out, I'm tired, I'm gonna go watch season two of The Office.

Over the next week, the car reappeared intermittently and gradually I found myself getting more and more annoyed. Who are these people? How dare they park in my territory! I must be rid of them! But how?!

Various Ideas:
1) The city has a new by-law against idling. Yes, I'll call the cops and tell them about the idlers in front of my house! Bah! That's something an 80 year old man would do and it's a waste of tax payers money.
2) Perhaps I can dump a large pile of snow in their parking spot? Ingenious! Except it'll get cleared away tomorrow.
3) I'll get a laser pointer and be a nuisance. Paydirt! I'll shine it on them and they'll feel self-conscious. But what if one of them gets a damaged retina? I'd never forgive myself.

I mentioned my problem to a few of my co-workers, and they offered the following suggestions:
1) Throw snow on the car's windshield;
2) Dump a bucket of chum on the car.

Number two sounded good, but I don't have the necessary discipline to go out and buy fish remnants, let alone ferment them.

Several days went by and the car failed to reappear. Two, three, then four days had elapsed and I started to feel comfortable that the problem was resolved. But on the fifth day, as I rounded the bend and approached my house on foot, I noticed my old friend, the BMW, parked in front of my house again. Snow was on the ground and I angrily decided to clear it. The scraping of my shovel on pavement and the BMW's idling engine were the only sounds in the night. Frequently, I stopped in the middle of my shovelling to issue a withering gaze at the car, willing it to move, but my Jedi mindtricks proved useless. "How terribly awkward this situation is," I thought to myself.

Then it hit me. What do I do better than anything else? I transform normal situations into awkward ones. So what would happen if I took an awkward situation and applied my "gift" to it? Right then and there I resolved to find out. Shovel in hand, I walked towards the BMW with a sense of purpose. As I got closer, I noticed its occupants were in the backseat, clearly engrossed in one other. Patiently and awkwardly, I stood next to the rear passenger window and directed my gaze down the street. 30 seconds elapsed and out of my peripheral vision I noticed that the movement in the car had ceased. For whatever reason, I had become more interesting to them than they were to each other. Turning towards them, I smiled and waved. With a look of confusion, the young man waved back; his girlfriend did not. For ten full seconds we stared at each other through the car window. Finally, the young man lowered the window and I spoke first:

"I've, uh, noticed that you've been parked here several nights."
"Yeah. Sorry. It won't happen again. Is that okay for you?"
"Yes. Thank you."

I walked back inside, my shovelling completed.

My Secret

2007-03-03T17:11:00.000-08:00

One time, right before he perished, my sixth uncle told me, "With great power, comes great responsibility." It took me a long time to understand the meaning of those words, that my uncle wasn't simply pulling my leg, and I finally "got it" in an epiphany this past Wednesday night.

Not too many people know this, but when I was five years old, the family doctor diagnosed me with a rare form of autism. Recognizing that my days were numbered, my mom placed me in a reed basket and set me afloat on the shore of Lake Ontario, trusting that the wind and the currents would carry me off to a fabled fisherman and his wife who could cure my autism. However, due to being an obese five year old, the basket was crushed under my weight and the plan had to be scrapped.

All my life I've struggled under the secret burden of my autism. Every day I have to deal with ruined conversations, awkward pauses, and sudden slappings from irate women. Autism has left its toll on my ravaged body. On Wednesday, everything changed.

Xtreme

2007-02-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

I like skating, I think some of these tricks look neat, but Xtreme is a really retarded adjective. Call it figure skating on hockey skates, cause that's what this is. When I hear the word Xtreme used to describe a sport, I think of the following:

Body Break!

2007-02-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

Every so often I get the foolish notion in my head to get fit. And I ALWAYS fail miserably. Here is my history of quitting from start to finish:

X-Country Running
X-Country Skiing
Downhill Skiing
Soccer
Tennis
Karate
Horseback Riding
Wrestling
Archery
Boxing
Weight-lifting
Tae-Kwon Do
Chess (it's considered a sport)
Squash (Um, I might take it up again...)

I've probably forgotten an athletic endeavour or two, but these are definitely the highlights and are representative of my quitting inclinations.

Today I signed up for fitness training in my building. Henceforward, twice a week I will train with four of my officemates under the supervision of a certified fitness trainer. This afternoon, I met with head trainer Justin; a 30-ish man who wears his baseball cap backwards. When I arrived, he greeted me with a fist bump instead of a handshake. As I was 15 minutes early, I had the opportunity to watch four women who were wrapping up their training session. I sized them up quickly, and judged myself capable of taking three of them down, easy. The last one looked like a scrapper.

After the class wrapped up, I sat down with Justin to discuss my fitness goals. I explained that I wanted to work on my athleticism, with a focus on the following areas:

1) Agility
2) Endurance
3) eXplosive Power

I could tell he was impressed, because after I mentioned eXplosive power (making sure to emphasize the X), he broke into a big grin (yes, I'm hip to that fitness lingo).

Other athletic endeavours I'm currently involved in:
Ice skating - I would like to get good enough to play some hockey.
CN Tower Stair Climb - It's for the World Wildlife Fund. Please sponsor me and I promise to be your friend. This week I climbed the Simpson Tower (32 floors) twice to practice for the eventual climb (it's in two months).

Jazz Hands!

2007-01-31T17:58:00.000-08:00

This video is the reason that Youtube was invented:

Those Wacky Japonee

2007-01-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

Turbo Boost!

2007-01-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

Today I played hooky and called in sick. Last night, I felt angry and indignant at the cold weather, and I suspect this was a subconscious factor in my decision to stay home. To avoid completely wasting the day away, I woke up at noon and decided to pick up a package from the local post office, which is a 45 minute walk away from the house and a 5 minute drive. I settled on driving, which was a mistake for two reasons:

a) I have no insurance;
b) The car battery hasn't been keeping a charge.

To get the car started, I had to hook up the booster cables to the generator in the garage: No problem. Getting to the post office: No problem. Getting the package: No problem. Restarting the car: Problem. Finding somebody willing to help: PROBLEM.

"Uh, hello."
Person quickens pace.
"I was wondering if you had a couple of minutes to help me out."

In the post-game analysis, this was probably the crucial error. In Toronto, "Hello" already puts people on their guard. Following up with, "I was wondering if you had a couple of minutes..." sets alarm bells ringing, as this phrase, uttered in a parking lot, tends to be most associated with rabid evangelicals and Amway shills. "RUN AWAY!" I certainly would.

"My car battery is dead and I was wondering if you could help me with a boost."

In my selection of candidates, I chose people getting into their cars in my near vicinity. So I didn't discriminate in my selection, but I noticed I was predicting outcomes based on stereotypes. All of the candidates happened to be male. For a fun time, and to determine whether you're a racist like me, try matching the answer to the ethnicity:

a) "Sorry, I can't help you. My starter is having problems. If I boosted your car... Sorry."
b) "Sorry. I'm in a rush. I have to get my daughter to school."
c) Ignores me like I don't exist when I ask if he has a couple of minutes. Once it becomes clear that I'm asking for a car boost, utters something indecipherable and rude.
d) "I don't trouble myself with those things." (I like this one. It's like the fortune cookie of refusals)
e) "Sure, no problem."

Ethnicities (in no particular order):
Black
Filipino
Chinese
Indian
Sri Lankan

The person who responds with the most correct answers will receive a prize.

My Hero

2006-11-23T19:29:00.000-08:00

Krzysztof is my hero. He has a charmingly inept way with words. The power to halt a conversation dead in its tracks is an ability I've been honing for the past 15 years, and it's something I've become rather good at, if I do say so myself.

SETTING: My cubicle
TIME: Friday, November 17th; 2:47 PM

DENISE (a mid-level manager): Hi George! This is Mark. He served in Afghanistan with the troops that our packages went to.

I stand up from my desk to face Mark. We shake hands.

MARK: Hello. Nice to meet you.
ME: (quickly) Hello. Nice to meet you.

Long, expectant pause. I attempt a smile but it looks like a grimace.

DENISE: Umm, George is really technical and a whiz with computers. Whenever there's a problem we go to him first.

I give a feeble smile in acknowledgement. Denise shifts her weight.

Another long, awkward pause.

Denise starts walking away.

DENISE: OK! Well, over here is my office...
MARK: It was nice meeting you...

Mark walks away.

ME: Yeah. Me too.

I sit back down.

SETTING: Shared cubicle space with Claire
TIME: Thursday, November 23rd; 3:57 PM

Winston, a senior executive, walks by our office space.

CLAIRE: Hey Winston. I saw you at Indigo during lunch.

Winston stops.

WINSTON: [joking tone] You didn't say hi?
CLAIRE: [smiles] You looked preoccupied. I didn't want to bother you.
WINSTON: I've been daydreaming all day. It would have pulled me out. [pause] Did you get something?
CLAIRE: I usually don't buy books from Indigo. I'll browse and then buy from BMV or a used bookstore.
WINSTON: Yeah, I seldom go to Indigo. Usually I order from Barnes & Nobles or Amazon, 4 or 5 at once. It costs the same and it's less trouble. Do you read a lot?
CLAIRE: I try to. How about you?
WINSTON: Yeah, I'm a big reader. We have T.V.s all over our house, but I hardly watch any. My brothers and sisters are the same way. I guess it's the way our father brought us up. He had shelves and shelves of books. [matter-of-factly] I read four papers a day.

ME: [enthusiastic] Hey, that's good!

Silence fills the air.

WINSTON:... Yeah.

Winston walks away.

Half an hour later, Winston's resignation was announced to our floor.

Soon I'll be able to make people physically ill with my powers of Awkwardness.

George "Just-Call-Me-Brick" Tamland

Hundred Beast King GoLion

2006-11-11T14:34:00.000-08:00

I love Voltron. He fights for great justice, carries a big sword, and doesn't talk much. He has all of Teddy Roosevelt's best qualities, the greatest American president of all time, but without the baggage of Manifest Destiny or conservationism. Voltron equals AWESOME.

As a kid, I watched the show after school whenever I got the chance, which wasn't very often. My babysitter and nemesis, a cruel hag whom we shall call Gina, was obsessed with watching her nefarious soap operas, and Voltron was on during the same time slot as Y&R. I hate Y&R A LOT...

Nevertheless, when I watched Voltron it was pure bliss. I would really get into the show, and I would scream at the television, "Form VOLTRON NOW!" Sadly, Voltron didn't obey my desperate pleas, and I had to repeatedly watch the Lions get their asses handed to them before they would remember that Voltron even existed. Keith was such a lame leader...

Despite my fanaticism for Voltron, I only had one lion: the yellow one. Play time consisted of running around with the Lion and, when things got tough, forming a massive leg that was totally ineffectual and clumsy. Battles generally ended in defeat because the lone leg was unstable and would fall over without support. When my "friends" came over they would ridicule my incomplete Voltron, and I remember many nights when I cried myself to sleep. I can still feel those hot bitter tears on my cheeks.

Voltron, wherever you are, know this: You were a source of much childhood joy and agony! I salute you!

Caution: This is not your parents' Voltron!

Voltron is a SELL OUT!

From the archives...

2006-10-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I was going through some boxes in my basement and I found this:

FALCONS - by George Lee (artwork by talented friend)

Falcons RAWK. They fly around and eat other animals all day. They make loud screeching noises when they're mad (which is all the time). When a falcon is REALLY mad it will puke bones and feathers in your face. A fully grown falcon is 5x stronger than your dad and 10x meaner (Never hide your report card from a falcon. This makes them truly furious!). I love falcon with all of my heart.

The End

Human doorstop

2006-10-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

If you've walked around the Toronto underground, it's a near certainty that you've encountered the human doorstops strategically positioned in high traffic areas. If you don't know what I'm referring to, a human doorstop is a man (I've never seen women serve this function) who performs the service of holding the door open with one arm while extending an empty coffee cup in the other.

I have mixed feelings about these human doorstops. The indignity of being reduced to a mere doorstop is sad, but it's also absurd. About three months ago, as I passed by a human doorstop positioned at the Queen subway entrance to the Eaton Centre, I was drawn into the absurdity. On this occasion I opened an adjacent door of my own instead of using the held door. As I walked past, the doorstop fumbled and dropped his cup. Loose change flew out of it and was strewn on the ground in front of him. The doorstop looked frantic and bewildered. Seeing a fellow human being in need, I leapt into action and bent down to help him retrieve loose change and put it back in the cup. Throughout the whole exchange, as we worked together to pick up the pennies, nickels and dimes, the man never relinquished his other arm's grip on the doorhandle. The door stayed open; nary a soul passed through it. With the clean-up task completed, we stood up together, I dropped the last coins into his cup and awkwardly said, "Here ya go. I, uh, guess you got your job to do." Our eyes met and he nodded silently.

Since that life changing event, I've altered my attitude towards human doorstops. I now take the offered door; it seems like such a waste to squander their hard work.

I don't pay though.

The Joys of Public Transit

2006-10-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

On this morning's commute I unwittingly jostled a young woman (actually, she bumped into me from behind). My honed Canadian reflexes immediately came to the fore: I apologized (That's what it means to be Canadian: We apologize. We apologize to panhandlers, we apologize when we're jostled, we apologize for everything). Normally that'd be the end of it, but this lady took umbrage at her own clumsiness and exploded, "OH GAWD!"

WTF.

I was taken aback, and so, summoning up my best tactics from my playground playbook I flung my arms up in the air and yelled out, "OH GAWD!" Instant victory.

Yes, I think I'm becoming an elitist, because I've come to loathe the whole public transit experience. I was on the RT two weeks ago, and I sat down next to an overweight woman who had her fat legs sprawled into MY space. Being a good Canadian, I said nothing. Canadians don't confront. They use subtlety and guile. I refused to yield my space and fought off her invasive thighs by pressing back. My reward? A couple of dirty looks and the sweat off her thighs. The moral of this story: Don't use passive aggressive techniques to combat fat women. You'll only hurt yourself in the end.

Potluck Politics

2006-10-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

Overheard at a recent potluck:
"He brought cups the last time. Frickin' Cup Man."
"Hrmmph. Going back for thirds... And she only brought carrots and dip."
"Those temps shouldn't be here. They only contributed $5 each... For Popeyes' chicken."

I whipped off the poster on the right for an office raffle held on Friday. I'd originally planned on drawing a poster, but years of disuse have left my drawing arm weak and withered. I got most of the images from PastPresent Gallery. "Happiness for Sale" is from a real Westinghouse ad that ran in 1938. I guess those were happier times... Beyond the camp value, the gallery has some great reference material.

I entered the raffle and won the Musical Recliner named on the poster. I entered the raffle with the express purpose of getting the chair. I proud to say that I won it out of spite. My friend kept talking about how hideous and absurd the recliner was, so I was determined to win it, and win it I did. She was thoroughly disgusted. When I get a digital camera, I will post pictures of the abomination.

Saw The Departed on Friday. Scorsese was in fine form, and I definitely prefer his version over Infernal Affairs. All of the principal performances were great and the final bloodbath was wonderful. Definitely worth a look if you like Scorsese's gangster films.

And now for a Bollywood Intermission...

The Automotive Ecosystem

2006-10-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

Went to Kingston to play squash against my uncle today. I got demolished; I'd like to blame my safety goggles that kept fogging up (I normally play without them, and my uncle was non-plussed when I told him this), but the truth is he made me run the court like crazy. It's humbling to be owned by a guy in his fifties, with a bad foot, no less. I managed more points when we played with the beginner's ball (9-15). The low bouncing regulation ball was hard to retrieve and I wasn't used to it.

On the drive back from Kingston, as my step-dad took the Kennedy offramp, the Ford Tempo died. It's fortunate that it died where it did and not in the middle of the highway. We sat for a couple of minutes, hazards blinking as he tried the ignition, but the engine wouldn't turn over. In no time at all a silver tow-truck appeared, manned by a couple of guys dressed like twins (both had shaved heads and grey pullovers). Their quick arrival, the vulture like appearance of their shaved heads, and their efficiency at hitching the Tempo's lifeless chassis to the tow truck evoked thoughts of Mad Max and scavengers.

Riding in their truck cab was interesting. Four different police channels were blaring simultaneously, and the shorter twin riding shotgun got very excited when a pursuit was announced on the scanner. Both twins grabbed CB transmitters and started barking details of the pursuit to their dispatcher. All this activity made the truck ride seem frenetic and exciting (they later explained that a police pursuit often ends in one of two ways: either the speeder crashes or they're rammed off the road, which is where tow trucks enter the picture). I've never given tow-truck drivers a second thought, so the brief exposure to their culture was new and colourful for me. In a funny way, they're part of an automotive ecosystem with cops playing the role of predators, speeders acting as prey, and tow truck drivers swooping in to complete the picture as scavengers.

I've now decided that I'm going to quit my job and become a tow truck driver. But first things first: I'm still determined to fulfill my vow to become a champion stacker, the world's best speed drinker, and master falconer. A man's gotta have priorities...

Skip to my Lou my Darlin'

2006-09-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

Over the last eight years my fitness levels have been in a steady decline. And things got worse after I started working at the office. Sitting in front of a monitor for most of your day and eating McD's Extra Value Meals for lunch does wonders for your body. A couple of months ago I joined a health club with a friend, and now we play squash every week. I've also been moderately successful at keeping up a fitness routine. The result: I've been feeling less lethargic and my mood's somewhat improved.

This week I bought a chin-up bar and a skipping rope, and I've discovered that I'm pretty pathetic at both. I struggled to do eight chin-ups today, and I have a hard time skipping longer than five minutes. I guess it's partly a matter of pacing, but I find skipping a lot harder than running the treadmill. One of the cool things about skipping is the variety of ways you can mix it up. Check out these slick moves:

1) The Giddy Schoolgirl
2) The Village Idiot
3) The Leprechaun
4) The Monkey
5) The Yogic Flying Master

But as awesome as skipping is, it's merely a means to an end. When I get fit enough, I plan to take the sport of stacking by storm, then speed drinking, and finally the world. That's my five year plan in a nutshell.